i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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