Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
