Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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