He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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