You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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