Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
