You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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