I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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