I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize