why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
