We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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