That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Randomize
