on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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