dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
