I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize