When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
