i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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