he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
