Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize