i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
