i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
