Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
