two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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