Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
