what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
