i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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