Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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