He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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