so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
