i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
