my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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