Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
