How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
