Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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