I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
