I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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