My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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