The best revenge is premature balding
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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