Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
