Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I could fuck to npr.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
