apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
