I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
