My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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