He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
