You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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