You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
