i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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