my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
