my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
