Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
