god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize