I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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