Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
