The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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