You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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