Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
