I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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