I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
