He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
