I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I've blown a few things in my day
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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