just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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