she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
