i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
